Dearest Maximillian,

You are already aware of this since we announced it to your siblings at your gravesite, also because you are in Heaven and I am sure can see everything that is going on. Your siblings were ecstatic. This post however is more for my readers and a little bit for me.

I have been going back and forth about posting and what or when to post. I have seen several people in other blogs and on other sites that have been thankful for women who write about their rainbow baby experience, they say it gives them hope. I guess I felt the same way after we lost you and I read posts about rainbow pregnancies and rainbow babies, at least once I felt I could handle reading about it without breaking down and crying.

I am currently 16 weeks pregnant, this new little one’s due date is November 16th. For awhile at the beginning the anxiety and worry and fear was awful and almost paralyzed me. The thoughts of what if it happens again, will I be able to handle it? Will it be worth the pain if that is God’s will? Those questions still haunt me at times, but I have calmed down and relaxed a bit. The last 8 weeks have been filled with hope and joy, while at the same time still missing you. There are times that I feel I am pregnant with a boy, but then I think maybe I just feel that way because I was pregnant with a boy and didn’t get to bring you home, so my brain may just be confused. It makes me wonder how I will feel or cope if this new little one is a boy. If he is, he will in no way replace you, but I wonder what it will be like, if having a boy will be more painful than having girl. If having a boy will make me feel guilty, or like we are trying to replace you. I can’t commit to a boy’s name right now, nothing feels right. Nothing sounds as wonderful as your name sounds. I know that when this baby is born I will be overjoyed to have a new little one alive and in my arms, but I wonder what else I will feel when that happens. It scares me, not knowing what to expect.

16 weeks was the last doctors appointment we had before we lost you, My anxiety is creeping back knowing this. These next 3 weeks are going to be really hard. I still have not felt any movement, at least nothing that screams “that was definitely the baby”. I am craving that movement so bad right now. I just want to know that this baby is healthy and will survive and I will be able to bring him or her home. We have a home fetal doppler, so we are able to listen to this baby’s heartbeat whenever we want. We listen every night before going to sleep. It does give me some comfort, but in the back of my head I always worry that one day there will be no heartbeat. Your father is being very supportive and encouraging. He is my rock, I know he worries too, but he doesn’t show it as much as I feel it. I just need to get through this week, then we will have another doctor’s appointment and I am going to ask for an ultrasound, just to check and maybe also see if we can tell if it is a boy or a girl. Hopefully that appointment will help me relax some more. Then 2-4 weeks after that we will have the normal 20 week ultrasound where they measure everything. My OB has been so great and has been seeing me every 2 weeks from the beginning just to keep me comfortable and sane. He has told his whole staff that I am allowed to come in whenever I want, with the understanding that he is okay with it.

This pregnancy feels like it is going by fairly quickly, but at the same time I do feel like there is still a long way to go. I am just taking things one day, one week at a time. Your father and I pray every night. I try to pray every morning, sometimes things get in the way and it is not done, I am trying to be better and do it every morning, sometimes I just can’t. Pray is what is getting me through this, and I always feel better and more relaxed on days that I do pray.

I will try to post more often again. My emotions and energy have been a rollercoaster, and I am trying to stay busy so my mind doesn’t wander too far or into dark places.

I love you so much Max! Keep up your prayers! I feel you surrounding our family with your love.

Love,

Mommy

79.5 Expecting a rainbow collage

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