Dearest Max,

*I started writing this over a month ago on February 7th, I have been avoiding coming back to it. I would say I have just been busy, but it has been more than that. First I didn’t know where I wanted to go with this post, then I just kept putting it off. My emotions over the last month have been a roller coaster and this is what triggered most of it. Life is so precious and it should never be taken for granted.*

I had written in detail what had happened, but since I was not the main person involved, I did not feel right putting it all out there. It was probably one of the scariest days of my life. Everything has resolved itself for the most part and everyone is healthy, safe and happy. It reminded(not that I really needed the reminder at this time in my life) and solidified the fact of how scary and unpredictable life can be. Nothing should ever be taken for granted, especially life!

The days following:

We got a whole lot of snow the next two weeks, I was unable to go see her because of all the awful snow combined with our trip to Maryland and busy schedule. I hated not being able to be there for her. The dreary weather and being cooped up in the house for almost two weeks also did not help my mood or emotions. I felt myself starting to go to dark places. I voiced it to a few people a couple of times. I tried really hard to stay out of those dark places, I turned to prayer a lot, but sometimes I also avoided prayer (except our nightly prayer with your father). This is were I got to the point that I didn’t really know how to feel about anything, and little things were getting to me. I had a cousin, whom I don’t even remember mentioning that they were expecting, post pictures of their newborn son with a caption of name to be determined. I know not every one choses a name before the baby is born, but it caught me off guard and I couldn’t help the feeling that came from that. Then another cousin announced her pregnancy by saying something along the lines of “the doctors have confirmed that I have a parasite, but no worries it will be removed in about 6 months.” That rubbed me the wrong way even more! How can you call your child a parasite! I know that she was just joking around, that is her personality, but after losing you, heck even before losing you I would have felt the same way, but after losing you the feeling is so much worse.

Things are starting to look more up now. Your siblings are helping around the house more and more now, so that is nice. I have started up as  a Thirty one gifts consultant, and it is going better than I would have imagined. It is so fun, and the women on my team are great and so supportive. It is a very christian company, they bring God into everything they do, I love that so much!

I am going to start writing more often, but I may switch to my other blog – Mom of 8 and counting:

I love you so much Max! I can still feel your prayers guiding me through everything!

Love always and forever,