So today our Monday Homeschool co op started back up. I had not seen any of them since the session right before thanksgiving. I had only been going for about a month and a half, so hadn’t really had the chance to really get close to anyone yet. I am pretty sure everyone knew I was pregnant, it was definitely not something I was hiding and neither were the kids. There was another pregnant mama in the group. She had her baby sometime after thanksgiving. She was there with her 8 week old little girl, who was precious as could be. We had bonded over that month and a half a little bit with talk about pregnancy and babies and cloth diapers, so when she saw me she started talking about the late nights and feeding her and everything. I really didn’t know how to react. I was polite and listened and gave my input when she asked, but didn’t know how or even if I should have told her that we lost you. I don’t even know if any of them remembered that I had been pregnant, I wasn’t really showing much before thanksgiving. and it has been almost 2 months since any of them saw me. I felt like a couple of them were looking at me trying to remember if I had been pregnant or not, because I definitely do not look pregnant anymore, and most definitely not the 27 weeks pregnant that I should be. I stayed quiet for the most part because I wasn’t sure if I should tell them or just wait for someone to ask, but I doubt anyone would ask. I do have your memorial sticker on the back of my van so anyone who is observant would probably figure it out. Part of me feels like I should email the group and tell them. That would probably help the awkwardness of wondering who knows and who doesn’t, or even if there was anyone that remembered and noticed. I just don’t know. I have been doing really well with the emotional side of things lately, do I really want to go backwards and open all that up again? Will I be able to handle that? It might be like those first couple weeks all over again with the looks of sympathy and people telling me they are sorry, or saying the awkward things people say such as, “It is all part of God’s plan”. Which I know it is, but that is not something I want to hear someone else say to me. I don’t want to relive all that again, I have finally moved past that stage. But I also felt very awkward and I don’t want to feel like their are people whispering behind my back about it. I am sure one of the kids will eventually say something about it, your grave is right across the street from the church we meet at. We went and visited it after we left, but I am not sure there was anyone left to see us drive over there. I am just so conflicted about this right now. I will pray about it and see where God leads me.
I love you so much little Max! Always and Forever,