Dearest Max,
Something I keep saying to your father every time we talk about my fears of being pregnant again is that it’s like when Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit and realized they were naked. The innocence and blissfulness of pregnancy has been taken away from me. My eyes have been opened to the reality of what can happen. I mean I guess I have always known that it was a possibility, but it is such a taboo topic and no ever really talks about it, I never really thought it was something that was so common. OBGYNs don’t even ever really mention the idea. Even though losing a child before he or she has been born has always been a fear of mine, I never really imagined it would happen. And I am sure no one ever really expects it. But actually living through it changes everything! It changes how you feel about everything. It opens your eyes up to a whole new world you never knew about. And in that new world is pain and grief and fear. No one should ever have to in live in a world like that, especially not during a time that is supposed to be full of love and excitement and new life.

I very much want to be pregnant again and have a new little one. I have every intention of doing so. But just because I am ready to move forward and conceive another child doesn’t mean that I am not scared, I am more scared than I have ever been. It feels like my trust in God failed me this time around and now I have to build that back up again. I know I will get there, and I know prayer is my best way to get there.

My sister shared a song that she heard with me. It is a beautiful song and it helped heal my soul a little bit:
Blessings – Laura Story

I love you Max!
Love Always and Forever,
Mommy

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