Dearest Maximilian,
I love your full name so much! It is so beautiful to me. Maximilian Isaac. You would have fit so perfectly into our family.

Max, I need prayers like crazy right now. At first I felt like I was dealing with everything really well, but maybe I was in denial? That is the first stage of grief, right? I need to go look up the stages of grief again, maybe that will help me sort things out.

So onto my faith. I believe in God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit whole heartedly! I know they are there. In my heart I know they want what is best for me. I am just having a really hard time wrapping my head around losing you. We were praying for the pregnancy and for you throughout the whole pregnancy, so what went wrong? Why did God feel it would be better to take you from me? It just seems that every time my faith and hope increase something bad happens to my family. Whenever we get really good about praying together, things seem to fall apart. Maybe that is part of the reason that I am avoiding the rosary right now. I am trying to cling to faith, and nothing will change my belief in God, there is too much evidence that he is truly real. But my faith in prayer working or doing anything, my faith that God is all good and a healer, I have not seen much evidence of that, at least not lately. Maybe I have in the past but just have forgotten. I know faith is believing without seeing, but sometimes you just can’t. Why would He let me go through this when He knows how much I love children and my views on life starting at conception. This is destroying me right now. This morning I thought about asking your siblings to pray the rosary without me. Maybe if I can get them to start doing it without me and praying for me it will help. I hate that we haven’t been praying, but right now, for one reason or another I can’t get myself to do it. I am still saying nightly prayers with your father, but only half heartedly on my part. I am trying to do it wholeheartedly, but that is hard to do when you have a broken heart. I have been reading my morning offering and the daily readings that I get in my email, I have also been reading the reflections in my two daily prayer books. But something just feels off while I am doing it.
Deep down I know I am wrong, I am trying to look at the positives, but right now the negatives are like a brick wall that I can’t see past or break down. I need something to break it down!

I read a blog yesterday from a person who seems very similar to me, she said she is normally a very happy person, a glass half full type of person, always looking on the bright side of things. I am(or was) exactly the same. It is so against my nature to be feeling the way I am feeling. She said maybe if she forces herself to be more positive or fakes being happy it will eventually stick. I have been trying that. I am going to continue to try that. I really really don’t like how I have been feeling lately.

Dearest, sweet Max please continue praying for me and find all your relatives up there and ask them to pray for me as well. I need all the help and prayers I can get. I want be happy again, I want to enjoy things again. I don’t want to feel stuck and alone anymore. I don’t know what I need right now, I run things through my head all the time. Maybe I need to go out with friends, but at the same time I don’t really want to. Maybe I need to just go out somewhere for some alone time, but I don’t trust myself with that, I will probably just end up breaking down and crying somewhere, and that is not something I want to do in public. I just don’t know what I need or want(other than you) right now.

I love you so much Max! Always and Forever!!!

Mommy

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