Dearest Max,

I have so much I want to write about today. I am afraid I might skip something so I started with a list of topics and expanded on each one. Sorry if everything seems discombobulated, I have had these thoughts going through my mind for awhile and didn’t want to miss writing anything down. I added stuff as I remembered it.

I had a dream about you last night. It was an amazing dream and I wish what I am living was the dream and my dream was the reality. It started at the hospital. I think I was in a recovery room or something, all I know is that you and I were separated and your father was checking on you. The next thing I remember is finding several of my friends running through the halls to find your dad, I turn the corner and your dad is on the floor crying. They run to him and hug him. I come over cautiously and ask what is going on. For some reason he was hesitant to tell me. He told me that despite having been very sick you were recovering well and that we were going to be able to take you home. We hug each other like we never had before ad there were feelings of relief and overwhelming love. The next ‘Scene’(for lack of another word/explanation) I was holding Juliette on one hip and you on the other. And I was looking at you and admiring your features. Your hair was amazing, it was slightly curly like Juliette’s, but the coloring of your hair was very unique. It was mostly a dark brown like mine and your sister Caitlin’s, but there were several patches/streaks? of white blond and orange red. There was a very large streak of the these colors on the right side of your part. It was gorgeous and so unique! That vision is going to stay in my mind forever. If I was a better artist I would try to paint a picture of my vision, but I just don’t think I could do it justice. Maybe some day I will try. I can’t recall your eye color, but I imagine it is very similar to everyone else’s. Your personality showed its self too! You were very much like Juliette, joyful and mischievous at the same time. So adorable! In the same scene that I was holding you and Juliette I also saw Aunt M playing with a little blond girl’s hair. She looked a lot like your Cousins MS and P. She was adorable and they were so happy, until of course you knocked all the hair accessories all over the floor. LOL! and then I woke up, but I really didn’t want to. And as I tried to fall back asleep I hoped that I would be able to see you again, but I didn’t. I hope that you will revisit my dreams again. It was a great dream.

My first period since the miscarriage has started. I know that this is a good thing because it means my body has healed properly and I can try and have more babies. But I hope the pain doesn’t get too bad. That is always the worst part of my periods and I don’t want to feel anymore pain right now.

I know God doesn’t punish us, but I feel that I am being taught a lesson and wonder if I had done things differently if I would still have you in my womb. Loosing you opened my eyes up to so much and has taught me so much. And I guess my feelings are just me trying to find some good or some reason why I cannot have you in my arms. But I will never be able to stop wondering about the what ifs. (I really truly know God is not punishing me and loves me unconditionally).

The article “God will give you more than you can handle” has touched me immensely, more so now than when I first read it last year. http://lemmonythings.com/2014/01/05/god-will-give-you-more-than-you-can-handle-i-guarantee-it/ I have not stopped praying. I have been using my perpetual daily prayer books, If I miss a day I make sure to do 2 days, or however many days I missed, to make sure I get the most I can out of them. Some mornings when I am feeling particularly low and don’t really feeling like doing my prayers I force myself to because I know they help. I am always glad I do because they really do help. The reflections in my books and the daily bible readings always help and always bring hope and faith back to me. My brain resists sometimes, but I know that is just satan trying to get into my head. He will stop at nothing to separate us from God.

Joy vs Happiness. I read a blog recently that discussed her thoughts on the difference between Joy and Happiness. http://beunblemished.com/find-the-joy-in-your-life/ I really like her comparison of Joy vs Happiness, it makes a lot of sense. I have so much Joy in my life and around me, it is really hard to not be happy. But even though I have all this Joy around me I do still have a lot of sadness in my heart. She posted two questions that were quoted from the movie ‘The Bucket List’(which I still have yet to watch again, her post made me want to watch it again because I remember loving that movie). “Have you found the joy in your life?” ‘Has your life brought joy to others?” With everything that has happened I have been told numerous times about how much Joy my family brings to others. My family is my life, so the answer to the latter question is most definitely yes, and I am very proud of that. I believe I have found the Joy in my life through my children. They are all so joyful and happy and full of faith, hope, and love. Their innocence and carefree attitudes bring me so much Joy. They are so loving, always giving me hugs and kisses and cuddles. They care so much about each other and other people. I am so proud of how they are growing up.

Sometimes I feel like I am lying to myself when I say that I am moving forward and am coping well. Sometimes I feel so stuck and almost hopeless. Most of the time I feel fine. But I always wonder in the back of my mind if I really am fine, if maybe I am just trying to convince myself that I am fine. How do you really move forward from something like this? My life has been forever changed. My life will forever be incomplete. My family will forever feel like someone is missing. I have hope that these feelings will dissipate somewhat, but right now they are still pretty raw. I don’t know if having another child will help or not. I know that if we have another I will love that child just as much as any of my other children. And I know that it will not diminish my love or feelings about you. I wonder if I will be just as joyful and ‘glowing’ as I have been in previous pregnancies or if this pregnancy will be overshadowed by worry and fear. So many things running through my mind about this.

I feel like I may be keeping things inside again, and I know I need to get them out. I don’t feel like talking about it out loud though. I am done crying, I hate crying. I don’t know why I hate crying, I have never been good at crying. I am a suffer in silence type person. Writing all this out definitely helps, so I will try to be better about writing when I feel like I need to get something out. Doing that is not always possible with my schedule though and lately I have been pretty tired at bed time and fall asleep pretty quickly.

I may need to take the time hop app off of my phone. I have been getting a lot of pictures of my older kids as babies. It makes me nostalgic and makes me that much more sad about losing you. While most of the times having the older kids are a blessing and help me cope with all that has happened, they also constantly remind me. They tell me how much the miss you and how much they want to hold you and it makes me ache for you as well. They are also almost constantly asking me about getting pregnant again and hoping its twins, or another girl, or another boy. Then they start asking about names for future babies. I hate to discourage them from doing this, I know it is their way of coping, but it makes moving forward very difficult.

The other day I had my friend A came over. It was a very nice visit, we talked more than we had in awhile. And we laughed and smiled a lot. We played a board game with the kids and we all had a great time. Then the kids started playing with her daughter’s doctor kit, they came over and gave the baby in her tummy some medicine. Then my 3 year old cam to give the baby in my tummy some medicine. I told him there was no baby in there anymore and he said, “yeah, Max in there.” I had to re explain that no you(Max) aren’t, it felt pretty awkward and made me ache again.

Philosophical musings by young children about Jesus and resurrection. We have been going by your grave about 2 to 3 times a week, just a spur of the moment type thing most of the time. At the cemetery there is a statue of Jesus, Caitlin asked me if Jesus was buried there. I laughed and told her that Jesus is not buried anywhere, he was resurrected from the dead and is now alive in Heaven. Then, I think it was Alex, said, “Well, Max is not dead either, he is alive up in Heaven too.” And that really made me think, God did promise that he would resurrect us all when the world ends. And there is no time in Heaven, it is infinite up there. Well, the world has ended for Max, so, yes he is alive up in Heaven, and if there is no time up in Heaven he may already be up there with us and has never really known a time without us. A whole time continuum type deal. It is such a huge mystery that none of us can comprehend. It is a lot to take in, and too complicated to really type out all my thoughts on it.

All the emotions I am feeling right now are probably being induced by all the hormones associated with my period. Hormones really suck!

I think I touched everything I wanted to. I am sorry that it is all over the place. It feels so much better to have all that out now.

I love you so much Maximillian!
Love,
Mommy

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