Dear Max,
Something has been eating at me inside. This may offend, upset, shock some people that I am even putting this out there, but I just feel I have too.
Most people know about the circumstances surrounding your oldest brother. I was pressured a lot to put him up for adoption. But I refused, one of the biggest reasons in my heart was because I would always feel like one of my children was missing from my family, and I didn’t want that. Well, now, one of my children is missing. I can’t help but wonder if I had made a different choice then, what would the outcome be now. I probably wouldn’t have any of your other siblings, I probably would not be married to your father. My life would be completely different. It makes me wonder if I was just destined to lose a child, for my family to be incomplete. Because I chose to keep him, I had to lose another child at a different time because that is what was meant to happen to me. I do not regret my decision one bit! I would not change it for anything in the world. I am very happy with how my life has turned out. Your father and I have never been stronger, and we wouldn’t be where we are now if it wasn’t for all the trials and tribulations we have been through. But it is still weird that I am missing one of my children even though I made the decision that I did out of fear of feeling like one of my children would always be missing. It’s very ironic.

I miss you so much Max! Our family will never be complete here on earth, but I hope that it will be complete in Heaven, I will do my best to make that happen.
I love you Max!
Love always and forever,
Mommy

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