Dearest Maximilian,

I want to start off on a happier note that what the title indicates. When we got home from MD last night we open our mail boxes to the amazing gift that one of our best friends bought for us. I had originally planned on asking my parents for them, but as we talked to her about them she insisted and asked us to let her buy them for us. Your daddy and I were speechless! We cannot thank her enough for this precious gift. Your father got a dog tag, and I got a pendant, with your full name and date of your birth/death. On the back of each is a laser engraved version of your actual size footprints! The company takes a pdf of the actual footprints and turn them into and engraving! We both now have a token of you that we can wear everywhere and everyday!

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Now onto the reason for this post, to get my feelings out.

Last night on the drive home I started feeling overwhelmed with sadness, I am not sure what triggered it, if anything. I just felt broken, overwhelmed, sad, frustrated, and not like myself. Those were the thoughts that were going through my head, just how broken I felt and how I did not feel like myself. Everything about my life just seems wrong. I am not supposed to be a mother to a dead child. It is so overwhelming. Your daddy tried talking me through it and tried to get to the bottom of my feelings, but nothing helped, in fact in kind of made it worse. I cried for a little while and then dozed off until we were about 20 minutes or so from home.

It may have just been that I was over tired. Juliette had woken up earliest(earlier than I was ready at least) and she was clinging to me all day, no one else was good enough her. Daddy tried, aunts and uncles tried, your brothers and sisters tried. She only wanted me. I probably should have taken a nap when she finally fell asleep, but your siblings really wanted to play games. Also my stomach had been bothering me all day. Now that I have written all of that, I think my days ran together, I think the day before yesterday was when Juliette was super clingy and yesterday my stomach was feeling awful all day. It was a long few days. I enjoyed New Years and visiting with everyone, but I think going back and forth so much the past two weeks really caught up with everyone. So that was probably the biggest factor to my minor breakdown last night. Once I had the little cat nap in the car I felt better and your daddy and I had a nice little end of the trip conversation. And then getting home to the pendants of your footprints really help my mood.

I love you little Max!

Love,

Mommy

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