Dearest Max,

That warning above is because I will be talking about sex, so if there is anyone that doesn’t want to read about my sex life they should stop reading now. 😛

With the holidays slowly coming to a close and life becoming less busy I have more time to think. Thinking is never a good thing for me, my mind likes to wonder into dark places.

I am pretty sure I am ovulating. I stopped bleeding/spotting on Christmas day(a nice little christmas gift) but then yesterday I had the worst cramps, which has always been a sign of ovulation for me(the other sign is an increase in vaginal discharge). I have asked my doctor about this and he says he can do an ultrasound but (knowing how I fell about things since he has been my OBGYN for almost 10 years) anything that can be done to fix the pain will most likely affect my fertility. So for the time being I have opted against it. Besides it is a little nice having a physical sign that I am ovulating, most women would love to know so easily. It is definitely a double edged sword, and the pain only lasts 1-3 days. The first day is always the worst.

However with this tell tale sign that I am most likely ovulating, so many thoughts have flooded my mind. It has only been 23 days since we physically lost you. However your father and I have been leaning on each other so much and talking a lot, about everything. Talking intimately about our dreams and desires lead to intimate feelings and desires. It has been so hard to keep our hands off of each other. However we have been told to hold off until after our follow appointment to be sure I have healed properly, there are risks of infection if I am not. I want to be sure we take all the precautions we can right now, I don’t want to go through this again. I want to have sex so bad right now, to be one with him, to be as close as possible to him. He comforts me in ways no one else can. The fact I am ovulating probably increases these feelings because the hormones are now there too. Your body naturally has these desires during ovulation because as humans we are meant to procreate.

On the other hand the thoughts that we have lost you are also strong with this ovulation, because it solidifies the thoughts that I am no longer pregnant and in about 2 weeks or so my period will most likely start. It also feels really fast to me. I want to be pregnant again, and want another baby, but along with those dreams come so many fears. I worry about going through this again. My worst fear during all my pregnancies has been miscarriage or still birth, even though at the same time I never really thought it would happen. I have never had a problem getting pregnant in the past, although with Juliette we had been trying for about 5 months, but I had just had surgery to remove my gallbladder, so I assumed my body was healing from that before allowing me to conceive. I only had two periods between you and Juliette, so we weren’t necessarily trying for you, but we were definitely open to it happening. In fact I missed two periods before we conceived you, my first test was negative and the ultrasound confirmed that you had been conceived that second month of missed periods. So with my past history, I don’t expect it will take long to conceive another child. But in the back of my mind I still wonder if it is too soon , if we are ready for another one. First, part of me feels guilty for wanting another one so soon, I don’t want people to think that we are replacing you, You will be a part of our family forever, you are just as irreplaceable as any of your living siblings. I have told your father that I am no longer sure how or if I could ever move out of Gloucester. I have always been supportive about moving where ever your father’s job takes him, but for now, I don’t want to think about that. I can’t bear not being able to go to your grave whenever I want and to make sure it is taken care of, and honors you properly.

Second, our finances are so out of whack right now, however, that has never been a good reason for us to not have kids. God will provide, and he always has for us. If we waited until we were financially stable we would have no children, and I cannot imagine my life without any of you kids.The stress has been crazy lately though, and maybe that was a contributing factor to losing you. However, I feel that I have mellowed a bit since losing you. I am not yelling at your siblings as much as I used to, I am taking things one day at a time and having more patience.

Physically I feel better than I have in years, I don’t feel as tired as I used to, I don’t feel as stressed. Losing you has definitely helped me put more trust in God and to not worry so much. He will provide, maybe not in the ways we hope and wish, but his ways are greater than ours. Mentally I am still in pain and conflicted on a number of things, but my faith is not one of them anymore. I feel my faith as strengthened immensely through this process. I have found my motivation and desire to do things that I have been putting off for awhile now. I have renewed hope. But amongst all this good I still have fears, but everyone does. My ultimate goal is to get through this life and into heaven. I will not get there in one piece, I will be broken when I get there, I am already broken, but that broken piece is waiting for me in Heaven and when I get to Heaven I will be whole again, just as God and Jesus have promised.

I do have a recommendation if someone has  experienced or is experiencing this tragic pain. I received Steven Curtis Chapman’s album, The Glorious Unfolding, for Christmas. I love it so much! Every single song I love. He wrote all of them himself. I highly recommend it, it has helped me cope a lot. Here is a you tube link to one of my favorites:

I suggest listening to all of them!

I also received a recommendation to read his wife’s book ‘Choosing to SEE’ by Mary Beth Chapman. I dowloaded it to my kindle yesterday and have just started reading it.

Well, that is all I have for now. Continue praying for all of us down here. We love you so much!!!

Love Always,

Mommy

P.S. I made an artificial flower arrangement for your grave so it will remain beautiful for longer. 🙂

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