I have a huge problem when it comes to being concerned about what other people think. I always worry about what other people think of me or our family or how we do things. I don’t know why I care so much about that, I know that I shouldn’t care about it. I just want everyone to like me and I want everyone to be happy. If I ever find that I have done something to upset someone I get upset until I can fix it. And if I can’t fix it, it is very hard for me to move forward.
Something that has been on my mind lately is what is going through other peoples minds about why we lost you. People can be really cruel. And I know not everyone is, and probably the majority of people feel sympathy for us. But in the back of my head I always wonder if they think I did something wrong, or if their thoughts are more along the lines of “well, she already has 7 kids”, “her body can’t handle it anymore”, “She should be happy with what she has and stop now”.
I watch the show 19 kids and counting, and I love that show. I have also received many comments about trying to be them, and you know what, if God blesses us with that many children, then yes I would gladly carry, give birth to, and love all those children. I think the Duggars are a great family. But when she had a miscarriage with her 20th pregnancy, I heard all the above comments, and more.
I know what other people think shouldn’t matter and shouldn’t bother me, but it does. I don’t know why and I don’t know how to stop feeling that way. I know that the only judge that matters is God, my ultimate goal is to go to Heaven to be with Him and you. I guess my real problem is trying to figure out who is truly being genuine and who is just being nice to my face, but talking bad about me behind my back. I guess my biggest problem is that I care too much, I am a people pleaser. I have acknowledged this problem in the past, and I have tried to not care as much, but it is just too much against my nature.
I am such an introvert, it is really hard for me to reach out to others for help because I don’t ever want to be an inconvenience to anyone. Lately, I have decided that if someone offers to help that I have to yes, because I really do need the help. But I still have trouble asking for help. When I have no choice I ask family and really close friends for help. Losing you showed me that I have a lot more friends and people willing to help than I thought. I know that asking for help is another hurdle that I have to jump, I am trying.
I hate to write two letters in one day, but I didn’t write yesterday and I really had to get this off my chest as well.
I love you so much Max! I love writing these letters, they really help me sort out my feelings.