Dear Max,

Christmas Day was wonderful! The weather was beautiful the sky was bright blue, the sun was shinning, and everything felt happy. We were so blessed by so many people that your siblings woke up to more gifts than they have received at any christmas! Now, of course, we all know that Christmas is about Jesus’ birth and not the presents. But seeing the joy on your brothers and sisters faces was so great!

After we opened presents and sang Happy Birthday to Jesus, we packed up the car and headed out. Our first stop was your grave. We bought you a baby’s first Christmas ornament and placed it on the tree we had put there a few days ago. All your siblings were there too! They loved being a part of this. We all love and miss you so much.

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Looking through my pictures to find these and seeing the ones that I took with your siblings and I, and your siblings and your dad around your grave, it still feels like there are not enough kids in the picture. It is a really weird feeling. I keep feeling like I have to count the kids in the picture to make sure no one is missing.Only after I count do I realize why I am feeling this way and a wave sadness its me. There is a hole there that will never be filled.

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We left your grave and headed up to MD to grandma and grandpa’s house. I was excited and nervous at the same time. I was really excited to see almost everyone, but I was nervous about how T and K would be. It all turned out fine, they didn’t greet us or talk to us much at all, it felt awkward. But then when they were leaving K said”Hey we missed out on hugs when you guys got here, we were in the middle of a game, sorry.” They both gave us good hugs as they were leaving, which was nice. And I was pleasantly surprised that it was K that initiated it. I hope that our relationship can be repaired. I am still not quite sure what happened, but this makes it seem hopeful that things are turning around.

I have really enjoyed talking with your Aunt M. She has been through a miscarriage as well with your cousin Lilith. I am sure you two are having the time of your life up there in heaven! Take good care of each other! I have noticed that I don’t mind seeing her pregnant or hearing about her pregnancy like I do with A. I don’t know if its just because we now have this tragic bond or what. It is hard to hear a pregnant woman talk about not wanting to be pregnant, especially when all you can think about is how much you wish you still were. As well as being pro life and some one who you thought shared those values, you are not sure really does. I know M shares my values. Growing up and being an adult is hard and confusing and frustrating.

I am still conflicted about my newborn nephew George. He is so adorable and makes me happy and sad at the same time. He is a cuddle bug and fell asleep on my shoulder and it felt wonderful and painful at the same time. I love newborns so much, how cuddly they are and their newborn smell. But it reminds me of what I am not able to enjoy with you. And he looks so much like my Grandpa George(your great grandpa George) who I am sure is up there loving and playing with you and Lilith. He loved babies too, and I am sure he was so happy when each of you joined him up there. At least knowing that you have family up there with you is a comfort. And Uncle Jim too! He is your great great great Uncle Jim, he was you great grandma’s uncle, so I am pretty sure that is the correct number of greats. Uncle Jim was so awesome! He was a priest down here on Earth. He was so fun and always full of love and joy. Your Uncle Greg reminds all of us a lot of him, and in turn so does your brother Zachary. 🙂  Which is funny, and I never put this together until now, but Zach’s middle name is James in honor of Uncle Jim.

Overall, this Christmas has been better than I could have imagined.

I love you Max!

Mommy

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