So I woke up this morning and checked my email. Among those emails was one from everyday pregnancy about “my pregnancy:week 22”. I don’t know why others had not caught my eye, but that one did. It hurt seeing that. I wish you were still in my womb. I wish I could feel you moving and kicking inside me. I did not open the email because I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle reading it, I deleted fairly quickly.
Apparently A asked J if I was mad at her or something since I had canceled our plans last Thursday. At least I know that she cares. I wish she would just text or call me herself. I really miss her and wish our relationship was like it was several years ago. We used to be really really close, but the past several years have been pretty rocky and we just don’t talk or visit like we used to.
At times I wish she could understand my pain right now, but I definitely do not wish her to ever have this experience. I just wish she would talk to me honestly and not beat around the bush.
I want to call her and invite her over again, put then part of me wonders if I would be okay with seeing her being so pregnant. I know she is having a hard time with this pregnancy and having gestational diabetes, but I would definitely take that over this. I had to deal with gestational diabetes with my oldest daughter, it was not fun, and there is a lot about pregnancy that it not fun, but the end result and holding your newborn baby is always worth it! It really hurts that I won’t ever be able to hold you.
Another slight reminder is my new little nephew George. He is a month and a half old. He can with your aunt M and Uncle J to your funeral and reception. I held him at the reception, he was only one month old. He is so adorable and holding him felt nice. Aunt M posted on Facebook today that he slept through the night for the first time last night. I wish I was able to have those experiences with you. I love babies so much, and holding George helps dull the pain a little, but at the same time reminds me of what I won’t get to experience with you, to me it is the ultimate double edged sword.
Then of course there is my body. I no longer have a baby bump, but now I am starting to feel fat, I need to start doing daily exercise, after the holidays I am sure it will be easier, but sometime I feel like I still look pregnant in certain outfit, but I know I just have extra fat that needs to be gone. I try to suck my tummy in a lot so I don’t look pregnant to strangers because I don’t know how I would respond if someone asks me if I am pregnant. Your daddy begs to differ, he keeps telling me I look great, but I am just not seeing it right now.
I made a secret Facebook group for family and friends that I feel comfortable reading this blog, my letters to you. But it’s hard to not want to censor myself or make sure that I write about certain things to make sure that the person who did something for me knows how much I appreciated it. But either I forget or it’s not really relevant to what I am writing about. I really appreciate everything everyone has done for us and I appreciate all the love and support we have been receiving. Also I really care about everyone I know and don’t ever want to hurt anyone’s feelings. But it is really important that I get all my feelings and thoughts out and that I do not censor myself.
I love you Max!
P.S. Daddy says Hi and he loves you very much!