Dear Max,

Today marks 2 weeks after losing you.

Your father and I were able to sleep in until 11(we didn’t get to sleep until about 1:30am) It was so nice not being woken up by children fighting or yelling or just being loud. I am so grateful that your grandparents allowed us this short little break.

We got up and went out for lunch. We went to a cute little small town restaurant. It was nice having couple time and being able to have a nice lunch and talking with each other. I am so glad he has the next two weeks off from work.

After lunch we went to walmart to pick up some poinsettia flowers and a small christmas tree for your grave. We picked out our favorites and went to the register to pay. The cashier rung everything up and then said, ” you know what, since its christmas and I feel like it, I am going to give you half off of this tree.” I could not believe it! She preceded to remove the tree from receipt and then manually input it in for half price! She had no idea that we were buying these for your grave and it was so random! But in my heart I know you and God were behind it. There has been something little everyday. Or at least one thing that I notice. I am trying to keep my eyes open and notice all the little things now. It felt really good putting these flowers and tree by your grave, and I was really happy to see that the flowers from your funeral still looked really nice.

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The funeral home is working on getting us information and a design for your headstone. They think they will be able to get one for us in a few weeks. I can’t wait to get that done for you. We looked at all the other baby graves in the memorial garden, there were several that did not have headstones, that made me feel sad, and if I had more money I would want to get gravestones made for those babies too, I don’t know if that is possible or allowed though, but its a nice thought. I love that you are buried beside other babies that passed on too early, it makes me think of all the playmates you have up there with you. 

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Oh, something I keep forgetting to post, I found a solution to the fireplace mantle dilemma. Memaw and Papaw gave us a beautiful crystal cross at the reception former funeral. It is the prefect size for on the mantle and looks great with all of the picture frames! I don’t think they even realized what they had done and hoe much that meant and help when they bought it for us! They were definitely guided by you and God when they bought that.

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Another random thought: Lately I have been having a lot of gas bubbles that feel a lot like a baby moving in my womb. It makes it difficult to remember that I am no longer pregnant, but it also reminds me that I am no longer pregnant. My stomach has already returned to its normal size so I don’t even look like I am pregnant anymore. Those are very difficult thoughts for me because I really love being pregnant, and this time I was not able to bring a baby home with me.

After we got home from visiting your grave we went to church. I sat up with the your father in the choir since I had none of your siblings with me. Even though he could not sit right next to me the whole time because he had to play piano, it was still nice to be close to him for the whole mass. And I got to watch him playing the piano, which I love doing and don’t get to see often because he doesn’t get the chance to play piano at home as often as he used to. Hopefully once he is done with his master’s program he will play at home more. For now I am satisfied listening to his playing at church. I am so proud of him and I know you are too! I could feel your presence at church this evening while he was playing.

As I walked out of church I got a few of those sympathy looks from people, it was a little uncomfortable. A few people touched my shoulder and just said “Hi, Jennifer.” I appreciated that they didn’t try to give me words of encouragement or say everything would be okay, or even ask me how I was doing. They probably realize that I am not doing great and that I am grieving, but they wanted to acknowledge me and give me support. It felt really good, and I was amazed that most of them were men. I realized tonight that receiving those looks is a catch 22. While I wrote earlier that I don’t really want to receive the looks and words of sympathy, at the same time it feels good knowing that they care about me.

After your daddy was done with choir practice for Christmas eve mass we headed up to MD to pick your siblings up from your grandparents house. We talked a lot on the car ride up. One thing that came up was what we pictured you looked like. We discovered that we both saw you with curly red hair and a face very similar to Luke’s! I found it funny and amazing that we picture you the same way. It put a huge smile on my face and makes me confident of my picture of you in my head. 🙂 Maybe one day I will try to draw a portrait of what we picture you looking like.

Please pray for your sister Juliette, she has a really bad cold and I am worried, we may have to take her to the doctor.

I love you Little Max!

Love,

Mommy

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