Dear Max,

Today was a very good day! We woke up early and packed the car to go up to Wahsington DC to go to the museums and see your father’s middle school symphony orchestra perform at the national christmas tree.  As we were packing the car, your brother Zach came to me and told me that he was changing his build a bear’s name to baby Max. Your brothers and sisters love and miss you so much as well, even though they they were never able to meet you or even feel you move in my womb. They knew you were there and fell in love with you almost as quickly as your father and I did.

On the drive up my OBGYN called me. He said that he received my question about what is normal to expect with miscarriage recovery. I told him that I had already talked to his nurse yesterday and that I felt like I was in a very good place right now. I was satisified with her answers, but I still have a lot of questions that I want to ask him. I told him I moved my follow up appointment up to Jan.7th so I will wait until then to ask most of them, but the question that was bugging me the most was what could have caused the infection. He said that looking at the test results, he did not see anything that indicated there was an infection, he said that the results showed him that the pregnancy just stopped progressing, the inflammation was just an effect of the miscarriage. I think that makes me feel better, because that makes it more likely that it wasn’t caused by anything I did or ate wrong. It also makes it more likely that the ‘symptoms’ that  I thought maybe I had but didn’t do anything about, really were nothing. I will definitely still be asking him about all that though. I have a long list of questions saved in my phones notes app.

I also asked him if there was anyway to know when your heart stopped beating, if there was a known timeline for when the heart stops beating to when the miscarriage would naturally occur, like it did with me. He said that there was no way of knowing that and there is no known timeline, they all happen differently. So the flutterings that I was feeling very well could have been you. Your daddy was happy to hear that, it put a smile on his face, because he was pretty sure that he had felt you move a few times while holding my belly.

Your siblings had a great time at the museums and having lunch with daddy. We bought Eoghan a cupcake and sang happy birthday to him since this event hijacked his birthday. He felt very special and said he loved his birthday. He was very excited about turning 4. Posting his baby pictures on Facebook was bitter sweet though. Seeing myself in a hospital gown holding a newborn baby made me sad that I will not have any pictures like that with you.

Your father’s orchestra did fantastic! It was freezing cold outside, but they stuck through it and did an amazing job. There were rough spots, but for the most part, and factoring in the cold weather and how that affects the tone quality of the instruments, they sounded really good. Their final song was great and by far the best one they preformed this evening.

Grandma and Grandpa took all of your siblings to their house for the evening so that your daddy and I can have a day with just each other, we have not had a chance to be just a couple since we lost you, and I definitely could use the short break from your siblings. We can sleep in in the morning and not have to worry about any of your siblings needing anything. We both need a good night sleep since we have been so busy since everything happened. Life must go on, even if we don’t feel like we can.

We will be visiting your grave tomorrow, we are planning on picking up a small christmas tree and bringing it to your grave. I have always loved Christmas and I want to make sure your resting place is decorated as well as everything else is.

I love you so much Maximilian! Continue praying for us! I can feel the prayers working.