My Dearest Max,
I wrote yesterday about all the days leading up to yesterday. Today I will write about yesterday, and if I have time maybe tonight I will write about today. Things are hard right now. I have accepted loosing you and that you are now in heaven and there is nothing that can be done to change that, and there was probably nothing that could have prevented it. People say that these things happen for a reason, that God has a plan for this and will make good come from it. I have been reading a lot of blogs to try and help sort out my feelings by reading others thoughts and feelings that have been through this same situation. Some have said that they don’t think God had a hand in their miscarriage at all, that it was all medical reasons that could not have been helped. I am not sure how I really feel yet. I mean you can preform miracles, infact life itself is a miracle. So why can’t you preform a miracle while the child is in utero? Then thoughts come to me, that maybe, even in my womb, my children are not safe from Satan. And maybe Satan took this child away from me. Shortly after we loss you I came across a passage about Satan grabbing us by the throat to try to take us from God. Loosing you has definitely taken my breath away and rocked my faith. I am trying so hard to keep my faith. I truly believe in God and Jesus and truly want to believe he is an all loving God, but its hard when we pray so hard for things to happen and for help from Him and it feels the opposite happens. We prayed so hard for this pregnancy to be healthy and for you to be healthy, but we lost you anyway, possibly due to an infection. I don’t know if we will ever know for sure, I am not sure if they did any testing in the hospital. I am trying to find the answers, but the internet is proving to be more confusing and the doctors office is not calling me back. And then there are our prayers for our financial situation, which we started praying for even before we knew we were pregnant with you. Our finical situation is just getting worse and worse, we are drowning in bills and debt and there is no end in sight. I don’t have the time for a job and your father does not have time to add anything more to his plate. He is working very hard to advance his career, but nothing is happening right now. It is like we are in limbo, but also slowly going downward instead of upward. I had said that the situation we went through almost 3 years ago was worse than this, I am starting to change my mind. This is so much more difficult. That situation could have been a whole lot worse, we almost lost all your brothers and sisters(except Juliette had not been thought of yet). I suppose this situation could be worse, but right now I don’t really see how. I guess I could have died, but that wouldn’t have been worse for me, that would have been worse for your dad and siblings, and of course other family and friends. Right now I don’t see how carrying you full term and at least holding your full term body would have been worse, or if you were sick or had some sort of disability, I would have loved you just the same and did everything in my power to give you a good life. I don’t know how to fix our finances, we just don’t have the money, and our income keeps getting lower and lower. I tried supplementing with my business but no one is buying the easy stuff and I don’t have time to do the complicated stuff anymore. I am failing at homeschooling right now, I mean your siblings are smart and they don’t seem to feel like they are missing out on anything, they are happy and for the most part well behaved children, but am I truly preparing them for college and the real world, will they be able to survive without me holding their hands? I guess I am barely surviving without my parents holding my hand, maybe that is just how it is meant to be. I was in a classroom school for my whole life except for the last 2 years of high school, which I was homeschooled for. I went on to go to college for a year, but then we had Alex and I just decided the money going towards school was pointless and that I just wanted to be a full time mommy. I did work for awhile, until baby #4(Caitlin), but after that daycare just wasn’t worth it and it was too difficult getting my siblings to come down and babysit. At least we are raising them up with a well grounded faith, or at least I hope so. We go to mass every weekend, the older kids are active altar serves and actively taking faith formation and going to youth group. I try to say the rosary with them as often as I can, I just haven’t felt up to it the past several days, I have been so tired or had too much other stuff on my mind. I make sure to say my morning prayers every morning though, and your father and I still say our prayers every night.
Your Father and my relationship is getting stronger, so that is a plus, and I am trying to increase my faith, but there are so many questions in my head right now. I still have faith in God, and Jesus and Heaven, but my faith in prayer and if praying really does anything is weakening. I will continue to pray though, because I know that is what is right and that is what this family and I need. I just pray that my faith increases and that I can get some ‘yes’ answers to some of my prayers. I don’t like feeling defeated, I want to be happy, I want to enjoy life again. Right now I don’t feel like I have the freedom to do that because I don’t have the money to afford anything. I would love to make homemade family dinners every night, but we don’t have the money to afford the ingredients for family meals big enough for all of us. I would love to bake stuff with the girls often, but again, we have no money for that. Even going around town to do things away from the house is difficult, because even if the price is free or minimal, we still have to put gas in the van to get there. I feel so stuck. I need some sort of relief, I feel like I am being crushed and there is no way out.
Please pray for us Max, pray that God will help us through this, especially me. Everyone else in the family seems to be coping just fine. I love you so much and I know you are watching over us. I am so ready to try and get pregnant again and give you and your brothers and sisters even more siblings. I love being pregnant and I love babies so much. I hope and pray that I am still able to have more babies. I really do feel at peace with your loss, I have accepted it. But now I want to look toward the future and I want our future to be bright and beautiful and peaceful. I know that can’t really happen until we get to heaven, but I look around me and there are so many that are happy and healthy and have enough to fit their needs and for them to help others. I want to be able to afford what our family needs with enough left to help those that need the help. I want to be able to give to charity and buy toys for tots. I want to be able to take your siblings on awesome field trips so they can learn about all sorts of things. I want to be able to do everything as a family rather than not being able to do things with your siblings and it just being your father and I . I love the time that your father and I get together, just the two of us, but I want so much to do fun stuff with the whole family. I don’t want to be relying on my parents anymore. If we have another miscarriage I want to be able to afford to pay for the funeral and the headstone ourselves. I want to be able to help pay for your siblings college tuition. I want to give your siblings the life that they deserve. I want to help others have the lives they deserve. I would love to be able to have the girls enrolled in the professional gymnastics gym, I know they would be able to do so much more if they were in that gym. I would love to have them be a part of a music program and learn to love music as much as your father and I do. I have so many hopes and dreams.
I am sorry that this turned out to just be a jumble of thoughts, but writing everything down is helping me get my feelings out and cope with everything. I don’t know that I even wrote about what my day yesterday was like, I can’t even really remember what it was like, except that I was tired, frustrated, and sad, until, of course, when your father got home. There is just something about him that relaxes me and helps me be peaceful and feel loved.
I love you so much Max, and I miss you every minute of everyday. Please pray for our family!
Love always and forever,