Dearest Max,

Today has been basically a good day, better than all the days before today. It started out rough with worrying about money and with your siblings fighting and not doing their chores, but at the end of the day now, I feel at peace and almost happy again. I was finally able to talk to the doctor’s office today. It was the Doctor’s nurse who called me back, but she was very kind and seemed more knowledgeable than I had expected. She had a miscarriage at 27 weeks, technically, that would be called a stillbirth. The prospect of that scares me too, you never know what life is going to give you. She was able to tell me the lab results of the placenta, She confirmed that there was inflammation and evidence of an infection. She says that there is really no telling what caused it, that it was probably just a fluke. I don’t know if that is true, or if she is just saying that so that I don’t blame myself for doing something wrong. I have had an issue with yeast since I was 15, she says that that most definitely would not have caused it. She even went on to say that it probably wasn’t even caused by something bacterial. She said that I can push my appointment up with my doctor, I don’t have to wait the 6 weeks. He can gave me more answers. I think I have decided I want to do that.

Knowing that it was an infection has given more closure, but it still makes me question they way I was feeling during the pregnancy and if I should have been more cautious or more worried about things that didn’t seem quite right. Maybe God blinded me to these things because there was probably nothing I would have been able to do anyway. And after reading others blogs, I am thankful that I did not know that you had passed on until the miscarriage completed with labor and giving birth to your body. I don’t know what it would have been like to know for a fact that your heart was no longer beating, even though I worried that it wasn’t because I was not feeling much movement. But to wait for things to happen naturally while knowing that you were already gone and just your lifeless body was inside me. I don’t know if I would have had the courage to wait for it to happen naturally, but I know that was the best way for it to happen.

My body is recovering normally, and fast. The cramping and pain subside in a matter of days and the bleeding is almost done, it is very light now and some days there is only slight spotting. So that is just another thing that I have to be thankful for in this horrible tragedy. I am trying hard to find all the good within this bad. I know its there and I see it everyday, its just hard to look past the bad sometimes. But I feel better and the prospect of becoming pregnant again excites me and scares me at the same time. Most of the time I feel ready to try again, I have heard people getting pregnant one month after a miscarriage and having a successful pregnancy.  But then I get scared at times that it might happen again, especially not knowing what caused the infection or if I still have an infection in my body. I want to make sure that everything is okay before we try again, but as soon as we get the okay from the doctor I am ready. I have always felt, and still feel that I was meant to have babies and lots of them. At the beginning of my pregnancy with you people started asking before I even took a test. When I announced we were in fact pregnant they said they could tell because I always have an amazing glow when I am pregnant. Just writing about this makes me want to be pregnant again. I have been pregnant most of my adult life.

It still boggles my mind that I was able to have 7 healthy pregnancies and babies with no complications and then have a miscarriage with my 8th. It really makes me question what I did wrong and what happened. None of the women on my mom or dad’s sides had any miscarriages, so I never imagined it would happen to me. I always thought I had good fertility genes. It doesn’t make sense to me that they can’t figure out what caused the infection, or what kind of infection it was. I have a feeling my follow up appoint is going to be the longest appointment I have every had with my OBGYN. I am normally the easy patient, in and out of the room in about 5 minutes. I never really had any questions. But when I think back on this pregnancy, there were times that I was worried about something, but with in a day or two the sympton that I was worried about dissapeared, so i figured it was okay. Now I question myself about not bringing up those things.

I can’t dwell on them though. Whats done is done, I can’t change the past, I can only move forward and learn from the past. This next pregnancy I am probably going to question everything and be more cautious than I have ever been. Hopefully my doctor is prepared for that and won’t get too sick of me.

Well, I must go to sleep now, your Father’s middle school orchestra is playing at the national christmas tree tomorrow, so we have a long day ahead of us.

I love you so much Max! I miss you!

Love,

Mommy

P.S. I wore pants today! Your oldest brother went into the attic and got my box of clothes down for me. They fit better than before, and they make me feel better too.

Advertisements