Dearest Maximilian,

I never got a chance to write about yesterday because I was too tired by the time I came up to bed, so I am writing this the morning after instead of in the evening. We will be going to the National Christmas Tree this evening, so I am not sure if I will get the chance to write tonight either. But for now I will write about yesterday and hopefully I will be able to catch up and write in the evenings again soon. 🙂

My friend A came over yesterday. We were(are?) best friends. But hadn’t talked pretty much since we found out I was pregnant with you and I asked for my maternity clothes back. That whole story is for another time though. This blog is about you and me. A is pregnant and her due date is February 12th. As of right now she has a C-section scheduled for February 6th. I didn’t think it would be as hard as it was to see her and all her 7 month pregnancy glory. It really made me sad about not being pregnant anymore. She is now experiencing my most favorite parts of pregnancy. As anyone will tell you, I absolutely LOVE being pregnant! I have not really had a whole lot of sad thoughts seeing newborn baby pictures, maybe a little bit, because they do remind me of how much I wanted you, but seeing other pregnant women makes me long for you to still be in my womb. I wish there was a way for me to know and understand why I couldn’t keep you, but deep down in my heart I know it had to be this way for both our sakes. I still feel you and God protecting me, but the devil is trying to creep into my head and give me doubts about my faith. I am trying really hard to keep those thoughts out.  There have been too many occurrences that are too much to be coincidences.

My brain has not been working properly lately. If I don’t write things down right away I forget them pretty quickly, sometimes they come back to me and sometimes they don’t. I guess there is just so much to process right now it is hard for my brain to keep up. Like right now, I am sort of at a loss as to what to write. I think I had more thoughts last night, but I can’t remember. I was so tired last night, which is good because I need to rest so I can continue to heal, mentally and physically. So I guess this post will be shorter than the other two, and if I remember more, I will come back and write, but I may just wait and write again tomorrow, if I can.

I love you and miss you everyday!

Oh I did remember one other thing, we had car decals made in memory of you to put on our cars. I guess one of my fears is forgetting about you, but that is probably a silly fear to have. I do love having all the reminders, at least for now, I am not sure if they will start to get more painful, or if they will continue to be a comfort. I am sure some days will be worse then others, but for now we are taking things one day at a time.

I love you Max!!

Love,

Mommy

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