Dearest Max,

Today was better. I slept really well last night, I don’t know if it was because of the benedryl or because I was so exhausted from my lack of sleep the night before, it was probably a combination of both. It is 10:58pm now and my mind is racing. It is racing with things that need to be done before your funeral on Sunday and things that still need to be done for Christmas. I will take benedryl in a few minutes to hopefully help me sleep tonight.

I really wanted to write something today though. The writing is helping me express my feelings and I need to do that to get through this. I am trying to talk to friends and to your daddy also, and I am trying to be as honest as possible. Sometimes I feel like I might not be grieving enough, but I know you and God do not want me to be sad.

I want to get my regular clothes down from the attic and put the maternity clothes away, but I feel like I have too many other things to do right now, so it will have to wait until monday. I cannot bear to wear any of my maternity clothes though. I love being pregnant so much, and it hurts that you are no longer there, and wearing those clothes will remind me too much of losing you. I have to come to grips with the fact that I am no longer pregnant. It is slowly sinking in. I think I am ready to get my regular wardrobe out. Wearing the skirts was a good transition. And I think being busy the last few days has also helped me transition because I am forced to get out of bed and get dressed in the morning. If I didn’t have the tasks that I do have to do then I would most likely just be laying in bed crying or sleep and slipping into a deep depression, but that is definitely not something I want to do.

Making your memory box definitely helped, and I love having you up on the wall with everyone else. I have mixed thoughts about putting you on the mantle, first of all I don’t know what picture I would put up there, maybe its selfish to not want your picture up there whether it be the ultrasound or your body from the hospital, I am not sure how visitors would react seeing it there, and having everyone else’s pictures change but not yours, might be too painful. But the whole family is up there, and you are a part of the family, and what would I do about hanging a stocking? The kids might question why there was never anything put in it…maybe I can just get a small picture frame and put you in-between Juliette and Sally, but not in a stocking holder frame. I am just not quite sure what to do.

I didn’t cry today, I came close and teared up a couple times when I thought about what could be, what might have been. However if the nurse is correct in her thoughts that there was an infection, then it was probably for the best for both of us. I had been very sick and very tired during most of the pregnancy, I had a lot of good days, but most days I had to force myself out of bed. I was also starting to suffer from depression and was overly stressed out about silly things. And procrastinating like crazy with my business orders. It was pretty bad. And who knows how the infection was affecting or could have affected you. Your life may have been more difficult for any of us to bear and losing you before you were born was the lesser of the two evils. Physically I can tell a difference in myself, I feel like I am enjoying life again, which makes me feel a little guilty because I just lost you and don’t know if I should be able to feel joy right now. I also feel like I have more energy than I have had in quite sometime, even before I was pregnant with you. I know I weigh less than I did before I got pregnant with you. I tried not to lose weight, but eating while I was pregnant was difficult at times. I know I will never have a real answer for these questions until I get up there to Heaven with you. Who knows I may not even get the answers when I get there, I may not even care what the answers are once I get up there and feel all the love and happiness that we have been told about. Why would I care what happened to me down here if I am up there being completely consumed with love from God and you and all of our family and friends that are up there. None of us really know what Heaven is like, and we can only go by the stories of people who have had visions and near death experiences. I hope and pray that it is truly like these people say it is.

I read the book that you and God had me wrap up to your siblings today. They all loved it! That book blows me away everytime I read it. We will have it displayed in a prominent place at the reception after your funeral, so if anyone else wants to read it they can.

Also, did you and God have a hand in everyone just happening to have either blue or purple clothes to wear on Sunday? I find it very funny that those were your dad and my wedding colors. You must love those colors too. 🙂 They are really great colors.

Okay I am going to take some benedryl and hopefully fall asleep and sleep well tonight. I want to make sure I am taking care of myself and stay healthy for your daddy and siblings, and so I can hopefully give you even more siblings! I love you so much!

Love,

Your Mommy

Advertisements