My Dearest Maximilian,

I do not know the exact date you passed on from this world to the next. I do know that I gave birth to your body at 12:20am on December 7th. We suspect  your heart stopped the day after Thanksgiving, November 28th, 2014. I felt very sick that day and had a lot of cramps. My back continued to bother me up until Dec 7th. We finally chose your name on December 2nd: Maximilian Isaac Roberts. We named you after the great saint Maximilian Kolbe. A day or two after thanksgiving I told your father that I was growing concerned because I had not felt much movement from you yet. We just kept telling ourselves that it was because of the position of you and the placenta, I thought I was feeling flutterings, but I know that was mostly just hope, wishful thinking. From the beginning of your life within my womb I feared that I would lose you, So I guess deep down I knew that you were truly never mine to begin with. You belong to God, but you are now the patron saint of our family. Father Jim at church says you were destined for greatness. Your greatness will be in heaven though, not here on earth.

I woke up the morning of Dec 6th, I went to the bathroom and then there was red on the toilet paper, not a whole lot, but enough for me to be a little concerned. I had started feeling cramps the night before, however, now I know they were contractions and the beginning of labor. I had the doctor on call paged. she said to keep an eye on things and if it didn’t get better to go into the hospital. I didn’t see anymore blood until around 5pm that evening. The cramps continued through out the day, but they didn’t seem to be getting worse, until later that evening. Then around 5:30 they started to remind me of contractions. but since you and my womb were still very small, I didn’t realize that it was actually labor. I paged the doctor again and she suggested I go to the hospital just in case, and that it could have been something as simple as a UTI. Unfortunately that was not the case. I prayed so hard for the next 45 min, until your father came home and we headed to the emergency room. I called several people to find a babysitter for your siblings. I did not let it ruin any of their fun plans though. Stephanie went to her best friends birthday party and Luke and Alex went to Peak Experience, an indoor rock climbing venue. My friend Julie from church and her son came over to watch Caitlin, Zach, Eoghan, and Juliette. They all had a blast, and everyone was oblivious to what was actually happening. And I am grateful for that, It saved them all from just sitting around worrying about us, because nothing would be able to change what had already happened. I am grateful that I was able to spend most of the day fairly comfortable at home rather than siting in  the hospital all day long just waiting to deliver your lifeless body. Yes I was worrying most of that time, but I still had hope, I kept my faith and I prayed as hard as I could.  The anxiety at waiting in the emergency room triage room was difficult, but having your father there and the beautiful music playing on the tv helped and relaxed me. As soon as the doctor came in and felt my abdomen during a cramp and confirmed that it did infact feel like contractions my heart started to break. At first I started praying and begging for a miracle, then peace started to drift over me and my prayer started to change to prayers of “if this is Your will, then so be it, I know you will get us through it”. My precious Max, I know you were spiritually in that room with us. Thank you so much for protecting us as much as you were able. I did not feel the touch of Satan once in that hospital, no bad or hateful thoughts ever passed through my mind. I am sure my Gaurdian Angel and St. Michael the Archangel helped you, because I had prayed to them that morning. I am so grateful to miss Nadine from church for reminding me of those prayers just days before we had to go through this. I am sure those prayers made a huge difference. I can feel you and God and all the saints and all our deceased family members helping us through this. Through all the coincidences that are too coincidental to be anything short of miraculous. I thank everyone in Heaven for helping us through this and helping increase our strength and increase our faith. It is strengthening our marriage as well, I hope that it strengthens our entire family. I am trying to be patient with your siblings, but at times it is difficult. Your father is an amazing man and is helping me so much, I pray that we are able to have more babies. We both love babies and children so much.  I think I am out of words for now, I need to go take at least a little nap so I can drive down to newport news to pick your daddy up from work and get the stuff for your memory box that I want up on the wall as soon as possible.

I love you so much Maximilian! Always and forever!

Love,

Your Mommy

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